Lucy Shows That Never Were

By Michael Karol (with Craig Hamrick)

If you can never get enough Lucy, this page is for you! The following "Lucy" show synopses are totally fake, and were written in the spirit of good humor, which, after all, is what Lucille Ball and her shows were all about. Please do not write asking where you can find these episodes on tape; I repeat, they do not exist. Having said that, sit back, let your imagination run wild, and have a little fun with. Lucy and friends in these mock situation comedies. I wish these had happened; imagine what Lucy could've done to domestic diva Martha Stewart, for example … but we can dream, right? Enjoy!

I Love Lucy, a special two-part episode
"Fred Goes on a Bender"
Part 1 It’s Fred’s birthday and Ricky wants to take him out for drinks and the fights, but once the girls find out about it, Lucy and Ethel decide only a formal dinner will do. Ricky and Fred reluctantly agree, but plan to ditch the girls after they arrive at the restaurant. When Lucy and Ethel leave the table to powder their noses, Ricky tips the waiter (Frank Nelson) to tell them there was an “emergency” at the club, Fred went with Ricky to help out, and they’d be back as soon as possible. Ricky also tells the waiter to “put the girls’ meal on my tab.” Lucy and Ethel swallow the story (at first), and Ricky takes Fred to a nearby bar, where everyone who knows Fred treats him to a birthday beer. In an hour Fred is so plastered he’s screaming for his “lovely wife, Ethel, my little honeybunch.” Ricky realizes it’s time for Fred to go home, to avoid a fight that night of any kind. Fred reluctantly agrees, after one last trip to the men’s room, but when he doesn’t return in a few minutes, Ricky goes to the bathroom and Fred is missing! Just then, Lucy and Ethel interrupt the birthday revelers, having tipped the waiter themselves to get the truth when the men never returned to dinner.

Part 2 In part two, their search takes them on a madcap tour of the bar/restaurants in Times Square, including Lindy’s, where a vaudeville crony of Fred’s says he was there, but just left. In fact, that’s the story they get at every place they stop in. Finally, at a Blarney Stone on East 68th Street, they run into Mrs. Trumbull and Grace Foster, who’ve been looking for them. Fred’s at home, Mrs. Trumbull says. She overheard him on one of the pay phones in the hall calling every bar in the city, instructing his pals to tell anyone looking for him that, “He’s just left.” Ricky, Lucy and Ethel return home to find Fred laughing hysterically in the Mertz’s apartment. “Why, Fred Mertz!” Ethel yells. “I oughta…” “Oh, come on, honeybunch, I was just having some birthday fun!” Ethel rolls her eyes, and says, “Well, Fred, I guess even an old poop like you needs a good time every now and then.” She goes to the kitchen, gets a pie, and creams Fred in the puss, yelling, “Happy Birthday!” The fab four dissolves into laughter.

The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour
"Those Manhattan Latins!"
Guest star Jose Ferrer and his wife Rosemary Clooney are staying with Lucy and Ricky in Connecticut as Ricky and Jose prepare a Latin-flavored musical revue for Radio City Music Hall. Rosie's already got a spot in the show (singing "Mañana") but Lucy and the Mertzes want in. Ricky is adamant, but they stage a mock revue for Jose in which Lucy plays a Spanish Cinderella, with Ethel (Vivian Vance) as her money-obsessed stepmother and Fred (William Frawley) as her fairy godfather. Jose thinks it has possibilities, much to Ricky's chagrin, and agrees to use them in the revue. Meanwhile, Lucy overhears Ricky making a date to interview some curvaceous chorus girls with Jose in New York, and mistakenly believes the men are running around on her and Rosie. Disguised as Rockettes, Lucy and Rosie break in on the chorus auditions, and discover the boys were simply interviewing girls for the show. All is forgiven; the revue goes on as planned, and for the finale Doris Day leads the cast in a rousing version of "Que Sera, Sera." Cameos by Cesar Romero and Ricardo Montalban as policemen, and Fernando Lamas as a Radio City usher.

The Lucy Show
"Lucy Meets Martha Stewart"
Domestic diva Stewart (playing herself) needs a group of decoys in her office to divert attention from the real thing as she prepares for a traditional Christmas celebration, so she calls Harrison Carter (Gale Gordon), owner of the Unique Employment Agency. Lucy Carter (Lucille Ball) intercepts the call, and immediately offers her services as a decoy. Dressed in blonde wig and a chef's outfit, Lucy shows up at Stewart's downtown offices along with a dozen other "Marthas," and is instructed to wander around looking official but not to bother the real Martha. Lucy immediately gets into trouble shadowing Stewart as she prepares a new recipe for meringue puffs. Lucy spills a tray of meringue on Martha, resulting in a hilarious "meringue" fight. A call to the Agency lets Harry in on Lucy's trick, so he hurries down to Stewart's office to get her out of there, and save his company's reputation. Upon entering the huge, open central area in the office he finds Lucy hanging from the rafters, suspended by one of Martha's signature Christmas garlands, as Martha says, "Lucy, you have some explaining to do!"

Here's Lucy
"Murder, I Didn't!"
Lucy is arrested for the murder of brother-in-law Harry Carter (Gale Gordon), and calls on friend Jessica Fletcher (guest star Angela Lansbury) to prove her innocence. Jessica discovers that Lucy has no memory of the previous night, when Harry disappeared. During her investigation, which takes her to a bakery where Harry was last seen, Lucy secretly tags along and gets them embroiled in a wacky pie fight! When they return home, white from head to toe with flour, fruit filling, and dough, Harry is waiting there, explaining that he just "needed to teach Lucy a lesson about responsibility," so he took the day off and followed Lucy to see how she'd respond. Lucy pulls one final pie from her bag and smacks Harry in the face with it! Note: Don't miss the outtake reel, in which Ball and Lansbury duke it out as Mame, singing "Open a New Window." Patty Duke cameos as Harry's pregnant (and unmarried!) daughter, who has a crush on Lucy's son Craig (Desi Arnaz Jr.).

A Lucille Ball Special
"Lucy Invades Dean Martin's Privacy"
Hired as a secretary to keep the public away from Dean Martin, who cherishes his privacy, Lucy is ecstatic following her favorite star wherever he goes. Pretty soon, however, she's made Martin realize perhaps she's the wrong lady for the job, as she butts in to every aspect of his day, from tucking his napkin in a breakfast (and spilling a bowl of hot oatmeal on his lap in the process) to taking over as his chauffeur (and causing a 20-mile traffic jam on the Pacific Coast Highway). Martin decides to turn the tables on Lucy, and be there at her side whenever she attempts to do anything; this results in a hilarious scene as Dean secretly hides in the women's dressing room at Saks and pops out in drag while Lucy is trying on an outfit. Ultimately though, it doesn't work, and Martin, desperate to get rid of Lucy, plies her with liquor at his house, planning on dumping her in a limo and dropping her off at home. His plan backfires as Lucy realizes what he's doing and switches glasses. Lucy promises to let Dean live his own life, and the episode ends with the two stars drunk by the pool singing "That's Amore." Look for a cameo by Sammy Davis Jr. as Shecky, the pool cleaner.

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All text copyright 2005 by Michael Karol. May not be reproduced without permission.